Just shoot me now

I'm having horrible constipation. I know I need to drink more water. So I'm sitting on the throne last night and pushing with all my might. I thought that baby would come out! The worse part was the stupid turd would not. But I'm making all these grunting noises and panting between pushes. I almost died of humiliation when BWB came flying into the bathroom thinking I was in labor. There I was, gripping paper roll holder in one hand, the window sill in the other, my face beet red from pushing, a giant turd on its way out, and my husband is staring at me. On the bright side (however dim) he has yet to press send on the 911 call he was about to make.